We have said that any couple has their own disagreements.

RESOLVE DISCORD

We have said that any couple has their own disagreements. When still in love, they thought that they would love each other and do everything because of the other for the rest of their lives. However, it's not practical. When the discord is mild, i.e., it only makes them angry, then one apologizes to the other, then finish. But when the discord is severe, they will quarrel, or fight with each other, or they just keep quiet and keep every conflict in their heart, and their love gradually becomes emotionless, even turned into hatred.

As Buddhists, how do we deal with discord?

There are five solutions: The first is to find the cause of discord. The second is calmly to find our faults first. The third is to repent in front of Buddha. The fourth is to find out the points we should correct and which point we should give comments to the other. And fifth is to live with the other as good friends.

• The first is to find the cause of discord.

There are many reasons for disagreements, such as different hobbies, or some trivial things like often being late, forgetting the other's birthday or what one does makes the others feel their lack of consideration for them. Financial problems also cause disagreements. Maybe one person makes money, the other keeps or both people work together and contribute to the common fund, but everyone has their own opinion about spending money. Another cause is criticism. For example, the wife accidentally dropped the bowl, the husband sitting nearby said immediately: "You can't do anything in all your life." A little mistake turns into a serious one, so they quarreled.

Or the husband casually met his friends, they then had a drink. When he got home late, instead of gently asking him the reason why he was late, the wife yelled: "I don't know why your parents gave birth to you!" She made personalities against his parents. There are such people who get angry easily and make personalities against many generations of the other. Such bad manner is one cause of discord. Or one more cause is not listening or respecting each other. Sometimes your partner is right, but you still cling to your opinions and don't listen to them since you always subjectively believe that you're right.

The next cause of disagreement is another love which happens a lot in present days because of the influence of movies and Western lifestyle. A 40-year-old man had a happy family, and in one of his business trips, he met a girl whom he always missed afterward. He wrote to the editor of newspaper column for advice. A lot of people when falling into the same situation did not wonder why but tried to establish a new relationship. This case is widespread, especially at the time when communication facilities are so commonplace. Those who do like him are still mindful. And we were happy to hear questions by Buddhists, and we were happy to hear from them since they still saw the problems. Many let their instinct drove them, and their families collapsed.

In fact, each person had many relationships from past lives, but East Asian culture and Buddhist rules will help keep their faithfulness in marriage. Besides, we have to be determined to fight with ourselves to be able to overcome temptations.

Different views on raising and teaching children cause discord, too: one wants to teach the children the Western way, one wants the East Asian style. Different opinions on beliefs, philosophy, etc. also cause discord. While the wife likes things from the West, like a comfortable life, a modern house, cars, while the husband thinks: "Even being poor, Vietnam is best: Ponds of water morning glory, clusters of bamboos, buffaloes grazed in the field in the afternoon, young boys sit on the back of buffaloes playing flutes, and thatch huts are typical images of Vietnam. And I think that living among them is happy and the goal of humans is happiness but not being wealthy because many wealthy people suffer. So despite being poor, I still want to live in Vietnam but not somewhere else."

Poverty is also the cause of discord (as we said above). Being selfish, deprived, or loving enjoyment, drinking, etc., of course, breaks your happy family.

• There are many reasons, but first, we must find the cause of the discord.
• The second way to resolve disputes is calmly to find your faults first.

Try to judge yourself if you are persistent, get angry quickly, narrow-minded, often criticize the other or do you have a lover. Or is it because you did not share Buddhist teachings with your wife/husband when you two were in love that her/his ego is getting bigger and bigger and so on. Try to find your faults first.

• Third, instead of convicting the other, you should worship and repent before Buddha.

Of course, all have faults, but your partner is in anger that they don't see their mistakes, so you must repent first.

• Fourth, after knowing what should be corrected, you should give your partner gentle comments to help them fix their manner. It is fair.
  You shouldn't tell your partner his/her faults when you haven't found yours and had the repentance.

• The fifth solution is to live with your partner as friends.

If there are conflicts too server to overcome, but you two don't want to destroy your family for the sake of your children, then let conduct a negotiation that you two shouldn't consider the other the partner anymore. Instead, respect each other as good friends, and do not interfere in each other's life.

Actually, when we wrote the above paragraph, we were a bit puzzled if we were too ideal and if this paragraph is applicable in reality. But when you understand Buddhism, you will find that love/sentiment is impermanent, so you shouldn't cling to your love but try to live appropriately in situations. You will see that impermanence is the nature of heaven and earth. If you understand this, you won't be very distressed when your partner, who promised to love you in all their life, has changed.

Buddhists who understand the impermanence of nature, if they fall into this case, they also smile: "Buddha said everything is impermanent. Now my husband/wife doesn't love me anymore; it is good for me because I have time to go to pagodas and do many things for Buddhism." They will be not sad. So when the love of you two went away, let consider your wife/husband your friend then you will be happy again; otherwise, if you force your wife/husband to love you like the first time you met, then you two will become the enemy of the other. Please bear in mind that behind love/sentient is hatred.

Buddhists who understand Buddhism know change is inevitable, life is impermanent, so they live calmly. A Zen master said: "Strip when deep water, tiptoe when shallow." That means when going through a stream, if the water is too deep, then we strip our shirt and cross it, if the water is shallow, we only need to tiptoe. We cannot force the water to be always shallow for us to cross. Water is deep here and shallow there like life is happy today but sad tomorrow. When being happy, we live like that, when being depressed, we live like that. In favorable conditions, we live like this, and in unfavorable conditions, we live like this. When your partner still loves you, you should tell them about Buddhism, and when they hate you, you should treat them as friends. Life is impermanent, so sometimes, we strip and at another time, we tiptoe, and finally, our life passes.

So when there are disagreements that can not be solved, just live with your husband/wife as friends.

SPECIFIC CASES

There are some particular cases of human love. The first is homosexuality. Naturally, love arises between men and women, and in the case of homosexuality, males love males, females love females. Someone asked us: "Why are there so many homosexuals now?" We answered, "There will be more!" When you understand the causes of homosexuality, you will see why there will be more people with homosexuality.

When the brain functions correctly, people love ones of the opposite sex. But when a part of the brain goes wrong, people can love ones of the same sex, more severely, they can love children, even child sexual abuse. Children are never objects of sexual desire, so whoever has this desire has a damaged brain, and the reason will be discussed in the next section.

The second case is incest. In the world, among ones of blood-relations always appear bioelectricity that prevents sexual activity between two people who are very closely related in a family. But when the brain is broken, people are incestuous.

The third case is rape. Usually, before having sex with someone, you have to fall in love with her/him first. Rape is the use of violence to force someone to satisfy your sexual desires when they do not want to. The desire is over the limit since the brain is damaged.

Why do brain damage lead to sexual problems like homosexuality, child sexual abuse, incest, rape, etc.? Because of people's self-indulgent lifestyle, they have many partners. Due to the influence of films, especially Western lifestyle, people are more and more indiscriminate in their choice of partners, like to sleep around, so their limit of sexuality breaks and after a time, this limit in the brain also breaks; thus, people start to have illnesses, and first is homosexuality.

Once a man asked us, "Dear Master, I am a strong and healthy person. I have a family with a wife and some children, and some mistresses. Many women love me because I'm talented, handsome, and wealthy, and I couldn't refuse their love. But recently I feel like a man incredibly, and I know that I began to have a gay disease. I do not understand why, and I try to hide my feelings because if people know that I'm a gay, they will avoid me and won't do business with me anymore. I have to restrain my feelings, but truly, it's too hard." We answered: "You haven't refused the feelings of others and that's the cause of homosexuality. Now how to cure it? The first is to refuse all others' feelings and avoid all of your mistresses. The second is to worship Buddha and repent of your sin before Him. The third is to practice qigong to restore the brain."

A few days later, his wife also called us to talk about her husband's illness. The husband had confided his illness to his wife right after he knew that so that she could help him overcome the disease, or else he will make more serious mistakes. He had good seeds that when his illness started, he confided to his wife and called a monk. We patiently explained his problems using the law of Cause and Effect. And when the wife called us, we still gave her the same explanation. She said that her husband couldn't meditate as his mind was too chaotic. We said that we didn't advise him to meditate since those who have a gay/lesbian disease cannot sit in meditation since their brains are broken. We only told him first to end all sexual relationships, second to worship and repent before Buddha, and third to do qigong.

After a month of practicing a healthy lifestyle, worshipping and repenting before Buddha, his illness diminished, though he still took Western medicine. We advised him to stop using Western medicine because psychotropic drugs will damage the nerves. Just do the three things that we recommended, but it must be three years, then the disease would eradicate. Please remember it must be three years, so do not expect after some months, so please be patient.

Written by:
Janna

Related Articles:

Divorce: Family Values, Ego, Patience and Education

Building Marital Happiness: Love, Karma, Respect and Blessings

Factors That Break Marriage: 10 Threats to Family Happiness

Love, Marriage, and Family: The Role of Morality

What Should Be Considered Before Falling in Love? | Buddhist Wisdom

Instruction on Meditation: Essential Methods and Practice Guide

The Basic Meditation Technique: 5 Essential Steps to Practice Meditation

Meditation Q&A 51–55: Impermanence, Body, Sin and Mindfulness